Star Wars: The Clone Wars

[Budokan]

Then it must have been the only movie you saw today.

[KC Elbows]

Saw Attack of The Clones last night. Bought three tickets, my family came down with strep throat, so I said "Screw you people!" and went to the theatre.

The theatre was in the outskirts of civilization, a place known as Lee's Summit, and you have never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. So I felt right at home.

First were the previews. The new Matrix movie, Men In Black 2, and some Disney cr@pola.

The little kid behind me kept kicking the back of my chair and making fun of my black armored outfit. I took off my helmet and revealed my scarred hideous face, which made him cry. I love to make children cry! Then I used my dark powers to choke his mother until Grand Moff Tarkin made me stop before the ushers saw and threw us out.

There are two things to remember when watching this movie. Jar Jar Binks does not show up much, and that amidahla(sp?) lady shows up often and well. At one point, she is in something I can only describe as dominatrix formal wear. Well, she's barely in it. And that's good.

Meanwhile, annakin and obi wan are busy seeing who can have the worst rat's tail. By the end of the film, there is no clear winner.

Samuel Jackson, AKA Mace Windu, is trying hard to not seem like he's about to do a monologue on Cajuna Burgers.

Yoda is suspicious. Worse, he is training a bunch of kids who the viewer knows are either going to die in the next film, or possibly, die before the next film, which is good. To be honest, there was not one good jedi among these kids, and even if they managed to harness their anger and unleash their hatred and all that, they'd still suck.

Here are some of the weak areas of the movie:

-Too much of the dialogue is straight from the original movies. Some repitition is well used, but some is overkill.

-The dialogue, like most of these movies, only reaches a near natural state in the latter half of the film.

-Amidahla's(sp?) ship is too shiny and pristine, which makes it slightly hard to think of as real. In the original movies, ships were carefully crafted to include some wear. This fundamental was missed in relation to this one ship. The effect is not terrible, simply not up to par with the rest of the movie.

-Jar Jar Binks is in it. However, on the plus side, he is seen to be a total tool.

Here are some of the plus sides of the movie:

-Dominatrix formal wear.

-Lots of jedi fighting with light sabres, and some of them dying.

-Its interesting to see Yoda in a politically charged scenario.

-Death.

-Great sound and special effects.

-The travelling Fetts.

-The end. Great setup for the next movie.

All in all, I gave Star Wars Episode II: Attack of The Clones five Boba Fetts out of five. If you don't like Star Wars movies, you won't like this one, either, but who the hell cares about you, anyway? If you're looking for a movie that will have you harnessing your anger, giving in to hatred, and embracing the dark side of the force, this is the one. What's especially nice is that the theatres are providing storm troopers at the screenings so that you can get out of the theater and treat them like the underlings they are.

Whether or not you kill all the people dressed as jedis as part of your bid for Sith Lordship is completely up to you, just don't get in my way in the popcorn line.

For those who don't like Star Wars movies, I recommend that you stay at home with your significant other, get some zinfandel and exotic oils, promise them the most romantic experience ever, and watch Naked Lunch. I guarantee you'll get some. Really.

Star Wars hating losers.

[ReverendTim]

KC,

I agree about the dialogue. So far, my scriptwriting career has amounted to one episode of one cartoon for Nickelodeon and a truly miserable screenplay kept in a locked desk drawer, but even I was like, "One more draft! Why, Jesus, why? Why not one more draft? NOBODY talks like that, no matter what planet they're from."

I disagree with you about Amidala's ship, though. I like the fact that the ships are pristine. It provides a nice counterpoint to the beat-up nature of the galaxy one the Empire takes over. A nice visual reminder that the Republic is good, the Empire is bad.

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION:
If anyone from the New England area likes this kind of discussion, come out at the The Grand High Council of All Things True at the Comedy Studio on the second Thursday of every month.

Check our mailing list/discussion at http://groups.yahoo.com/GrandHighCouncil

END SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION

I'm not sure WHO helped Lucas do this movie, but whoever they are, they deserve our unabahsed thanks for the de-suckification they performed.

--
Rev. Tim

[KC Elbows]

I see your point with the ships.

On the dialogue, I'm not sure its just scripting problems. Episode I had the same problem. It seems like there is something happening in the organization of the movie that prevents the actors from acclimating to their characters until half way through. There was some weird dialogue, but even the easy stuff early on was unconvincing. Then, later, they came together.

I agree partially on the desuckification. R.S. Salvatore wrote the book adaptation, I'm wondering if he helped with the script as well.

At the same time, I knew this one would be better than Episode I, in the same way Empire was an improvement on Star Wars. The story was going to get darker and more complicated, which makes for better story.

BTW, I was very surprised that I liked the last light sabre duel.

[respectmankind]

well, now i might see it. after tpm i decided no more for me, ever. but meh. anywho, the real reason i want to see it is the matrix sequel preview.

[joedoe]

To be fair, TPM wasn't that bad a movie - it just didn't live up to the Star Wars standard (and it was way too marketing focussed).

I haven't seen SWII yet, but from the clips it looks great. I am looking forward to it.

[Felipe Bido]

Yoda definitely kicks ass... that's the best part of the movie...and the clones blasting away in the clouds of smoke is very impressive, too.

[respectmankind]

now i am so excited about the movie... just because of the previews. can you say 8.50 for a quick view of the matrix?

[ReverendTim]

If that's really all you're going for, you can download the trailer from thematrix.com

--
Rev. Tim

[kungfu cowboy]

"Bill, could you rub some of this powder on my lips."--Gotta love that typewriter in Naked Lunch!

[Ky-Fi]

Originally posted by ReverendTim
KC,

but even I was like, "One more draft! Why, Jesus, why? Why not one more draft? NOBODY talks like that, no matter what planet they're from."

--
Rev. Tim

Well, for the record I liked Phantom Menace a lot, and I thought Clones was OK. But I have to agree with the good Reverend on this one. With both these movies, for all the countless hours spent coming up with some of the most amazing sci-fi images ever put on film, why the heck couldn't they spend 15 minutes slightly rewriting the dialogue to make it sound natural, or have the actors do a few additional takes until it comes out better? We're almost forced to believe that Lucas is giving them direction like "no, you've got to be stiffer and less human when you say that line.".

Anyways, seeing classic ol' Christopher Lee cruising over the landscape on his speeder bike was worth the price of admission for me .

[anton]

Something my friend told me the other day:

His kid cousin had advanced cancer (can't remember where, i htink it was something weird like tongue cancer - ???). Any way the doctors predicted he would die about a monthe before Episode II was released. He was approached by people from the Starlight Foundation (a non-profit organization that grants the wishes of terminally ill children) and asked him what he wanted. Being a big Star Wars fan he said he would like to see Episode II... they told him they'd try their best, they called him up and explained the situation and asked whether he'd let the kid watch EpII if they flew him down - George flatly said "No" and that was that. Anyway the dudes dead now and he never got to watch it.

[respectmankind]

i hope that isn't true, but even if it isn't the though disgusts me. i am now angered. conan must lift metal and relieve primative side.

[anton]

I'm pretty sure its true - he's not the type of guy that would make something like that up. The guy is a big Star Wars fan as well, and he's still going to watch it.

[Repulsive Monkey]

Episode 3 will be much more exciting especially as Yoda and Obi Wan die in it. Those who know will figure it out!!